Don’t Let Your Past Sneak Into Your Future

The FBI and Secret Service collect data and are developing procedures and protocols regarding school and workplace shootings. They have found that the common denominator in these shootings is REVENGE.

Beneath the surface for these shooters is resentment, bitterness, malice and anger. These things are unseen until one day a person does something horrific and we are all left to wonder how it happened.

Revenge, bitterness and resentment have a way of infecting the soul. They not only cause self destruction, but they motivate a person to destroy others who have inflicted pain in one way or another. Left unresolved, these things can cause a myriad of negative emotions and behaviors.

We all need to grapple with an important question: How far into your future do you intend to carry the resentment, bitterness and anger from your past? In other words, how long do you want to carry your past into your future? You may be thinking, “What do you mean? How long do I plan to carry this into the future? I don’t plan to carry it into future.” That begs another question then: Have you done something about it? If you haven’t, you will carry bitterness from past hurts into the future.  If you don’t choose to do something, your past will encroach on your future and you will allow people who hurt you in the past to continue smuggling those issues into your future. The only way to change this pattern is to release the past, in order for the past to release you.

What then is the plan? It is a process that begins with forgiveness.  Part of the difficulty in this is a misconception about forgiveness. We feel as though justice is our responsibility and make it our aim to make sure those who deserve justice get it. We don’t want someone to get away with wrongdoing. In the process, our souls can become hateful, angry and filled with bitterness.

Forgiveness does not mean pardon. When you forgive someone, you are not saying that the consequences of their action will be eliminated. You may forgive someone who has wronged you and still insist on justice for the wrong. Consequences are still in effect. If you put a dent in my car in a parking lot, I will easily forgive you. But I still want to get your insurance information and have your insurance take care of the dent. Forgiveness is about the relationship; justice is about getting my dent fixed because it’s your responsibility.

Forgiveness does not minimize the seriousness of the offense. I’ve heard people respond to a sincere apology with, “It’s no big deal.” Some things are a big deal. True forgiveness is willing to admit that what happened is serious. There are things that occur that inflict great injury. Whether intentional or not, the hurt is real and true forgiveness does not minimize the offense, but is willing to take responsibility for the offense.

Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology. Some believe that you only have to forgive if someone apologizes. I hate to break it to you, but some people are never going to apologize. Some people are going to continue in their destructive, rebellious and foolish patterns. Some people will be stubborn and refuse to confess or admit they were wrong. Some people will move away and you’ll never see or speak with them again. Some people will die before they ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness does not need an apology to be activated.

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. This is probably one of the biggest misunderstandings when it comes to forgiveness. If there is betrayal in a close relationship, and through a painful process of honesty, transparency and time, forgiveness is given. The relationship has the potential of moving towards restoration, but it may not do so. Relationships are built on trust, not forgiveness. Forgiveness releases the offender and brings healing to the hurt. If you choose to, you can begin to rebuild trust. But you’ll start at ground zero. It may be awkward, but not impossible, to rebuild a relationship. Forgiveness is instant, but reconciliation takes time.

As the most famous prayer of all time says, “…Forgive us for the ways we have wronged you, just as we also forgive those who have wronged us.” Matthew 6:12

The Most Difficult Choice You’ll Ever Make

Desmond Tutu once said, “Forgiving is not easy, but it is the path to healing.”

Forgiving is rarely our first inclination, but making the choice to forgive is the only way to heal past hurts.

Philomena, an Oscar-nominated 2013 movie, is based on the true story of Philomena Lee. The movie dealt with the idea of forgiveness in a profound way. Add it to your wishlist, if you haven’t yet seen it.   The movie tells the story of a teen-aged Philomena who became pregnant out of wedlock and gave birth to a baby boy in 1951. For the birth of her son, she was sent to Sean Ross Abbey in Roscrea, Ireland, and required afterward to work there in the laundry to pay off the cost of her stay. While doing so, the nuns arranged for the adoption of her toddler son to an American couple. This was done without her approval or any warning whatsoever. Philomena was not even given the chance to say goodbye to her son. Imagine the pain and bewilderment of that moment for her as a young mother. Philomena attempted to find her son, for 50 years, without success. She visited the abbey on several occasions and was told that no information was available.

She later encountered Martin Sixsmith, a British journalist, who offered to help her in her search. His motivation was to publish her saga as a human interest story. Through Sixsmith, Philomena discovered her son had become a prominent lawyer serving as legal counsel to both Presidents Reagan and Bush. She also discovered her son had traveled to Sean Ross Abbey in hopes of being directed to his birth mother prior to his death from A.I.D.S. in 1995. Not only that, but Philomena learned that her son’s ashes are buried in the graveyard of the abbey. When Sixsmith recognized what the nuns had done, he exploded in anger. To his great surprise, Philomena told him that it was her choice as to how she would respond to being continuously misled and mistreated.

In the poignant scene, she turned to the only living nun who recalled the boy’s adoption and said, “Sister Hildegard, I want you to know that I forgive you.” Sixsmith could not believe what he heard. “What? Just like that?,” Martin asked. Philomena countered, “No, not just like that! That’s hard. That’s hard for me. But I don’t want to hate people. I don’t want to be like you.”

Philomena knew that harboring anger against Sister Hildegard and the other nuns wouldn’t solve anything. Nothing would change what had happened. And she would not inflict pain on anyone but herself by staying angry. She knew that not forgiving would, instead, cause her to live a life consumed by the bitter poison of resentment and regret.

It is not easy.

As C.S. Lewis once said, ^“Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.” It is not easy; it is hard.

But the alternative leaves a person filled with hate and that is not any way to live.

Forgiveness can be a difficult choice because we think it is something we need to feel before we can accomplish it. Yet, forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a decision. Based on our feelings, we would more likely want to inflict pain on whoever has hurt us or insure justice is levied against him or her. In the Bible, forgiveness is never presented as a feeling; it’s always described as a decision. Forgiveness is a gift we decide to give, in spite of how we feel.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  Ephesians 4:31-32

To forgive someone can be a very difficult decision. The alternative to forgiving is turning into a difficult person with whom to live.

The Hardest Person To Forgive

Do you know who is the toughest person in the world to forgive? Yourself.

A truth I have realized as I grow older is that God is more forgiving of me than I am of myself.  There are many people who walk through life with gnawing guilt. They are tortured by guilt, believing that they are forgiven by the ultimate judge, but yet they are condemned by a one person jury: themselves.

Forgiving yourself starts with one little phrase: “I am not perfect.” Can you say that to yourself right now? Some of you might be startled by this idea, thinking, “What do you mean I’m not perfect?” People who are perfectionists have zero tolerance for mistakes in their lives. Even with the “little” stuff, they cannot abide committing errors. They may allow others to make mistakes, but are self-condemning and reluctant to forgive themselves. They imprison themselves in a jail of self-centered anger and throw away the key.

If such a person loses a phone number, locks his or her keys in the car or deletes something from the computer, the reaction is to blow up at themselves. Dr. Chris Thurman in his book Truths We Must Believe says, “These people are convinced that this minor lapse is just one more bit of conclusive proof that they have no value as an individual.” They believe that if I do something stupid, I am stupid. This mindset continues with the heaping on of self-condemnation. Each mistake underscores a lack of perfection which leads to more and more abuse.

When you learn to forgive yourself, you can forgive yourself for mistakes you make, not judge yourself, wrongly, for who you are.  Turn you’re stupid, to you do stupid things. Change you’re a loser, to sometimes you lose. Modify you’re a mistake, to sometimes you make mistakes. Alter you’re a failure, to sometimes you fail. Transform your thinking and forgive yourself for your mistakes.

Who you are and what you do are different things. Only by separating the two will ever know the power of forgiveness.

Follow this simple rule: If you forgive yourself for what you do, you can accept yourself for who you are.

The Bible says, “While we were yet sinners” or “while we weren’t perfect,” God, who was perfect, forgave us. Because of His death on the cross, we stand before Him perfect. Forgiving ourselves is a process that begins with His grace, not our efforts.

Give yourself the grace to start over. Take responsibility for the wrong you do, admit it, confess it, but begin again. Forgiveness is all about starting over. If God  can forgive you, then you have the context to forgive yourself.

Church, Why Would I Ever Go There?

When you get to the end of your life and people gather around you for one final moment of truth, would you rather be told that you were too forgiving or too judgmental?

Philip Yancey, in his book The Jesus I Never Knew, tells a true story of a prostitute in Chicago. She came to me in wretched straits, homeless, sick, unable to buy food for her daughter. Through sobs and tears, she told me she had been renting out her daughter to men interested in kinky sex. She made more renting out her daughter for an hour than she could earn on her own in a night. She had to do it, she said, to support her own drug habit. I could hardly bear hearing her sordid story. I had no idea what to say to this woman. At last I asked if she had ever thought of going to a church for help. I will never forget the look of pure, naive shock that crossed her face. “Church!” she cried. “Why would I ever go there? I was already feeling terrible about myself. They’d just make me feel worse.”

I’m sure some of you can identify with her statement. Sometime in your life you’ve experienced a judgmental attitude and it has scarred you. You’ve experienced a look of disdain in a religious setting, and it made you feel less of a person. You’ve experienced a feeling of not measuring up; conclusions people reached which quickly summed you up and resulted in poor treatment.

My friends, Don and Ginger, had been married for about 15 years when Don told Ginger he was struggling with homosexuality. She says that day her world crumbled around her; that day changed her life. She had a decision to make. She prayed and asked, “If You’ll help me, God, I will stay with Don and work through this. But I can’t do it alone, I need Your love and Your grace.”  The journey was a long one.

One day Don said, “I can’t do this anymore.” He moved out and went to an apartment. The last thing he said to her was, “I’m not sure that I’ll ever come home again.” She responded, “I’ll be here.” She kept loving him and praying for him for two years. During that time their sons went off the deep end.

Ginger kept loving them all, even when everything went wrong. Financially the family was devastated. She moved to a condo, struggling to pay the rent. She started working for Kelly Services which didn’t pay much, but God proved faithful through it all.

One day she came home from work to find Don sitting on the couch. He wanted to know if she’d be willing to take him back. He felt terrible about himself and wasn’t sure if he could face his family or if they wanted him back. Don started counseling, got in a support group and slowly the grace of God began to heal their lives. It was a bumpy road. Eventually their sons, each one in his own way, came to Christ and experienced His grace like never before.

Shortly after, Don became very sick. After testing, it was determined that Don had the HIV virus. Several months later he had full blown AIDS. From that point, seizures occurred randomly. Ginger was there with him, holding him and loving him through it.

Several years ago, Don took his last breath with Ginger by his side, telling him how much she loved him, how much God loved him, and saying goodbye.  When Ginger tells her story, she says, “I could have chosen differently. I could have moved on with my life and God would have understood. Instead I decided to stay and extend grace to my husband. Looking back I would not change that decision. God was able to turn that grace into unconditional love. That is the way He loves us and He can teach us to love others unconditionally.”

When Ginger gets to the end of her life, some may say she was too forgiving. Then again, we could say that about God, and for that I am thankful.  A verse from the Old Testament book of Psalms says, “But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.” Psalm 86:15

Forgiveness is for me, not the other person

There is a 59 year old teacher’s aide in northern Minneapolis, Minnesota, who can teach us all a lesson in forgiveness. Mary’s son, Laramiun Byrd, was shot to death during an argument at a party in February 1993. He was only 20 years old and Mary’s only child.

His killer was a 16 year old named Oshea Israel. Oshea was arrested and tried as an adult and sent to prison for 25 years. Mary was happy to see justice done and firmly believed he deserved to be in prison. He served 17 years of his sentence and was recently released. Now he is Mary’s next door neighbor. You may ask, “How did that happen?”

Several years ago, Mary asked if she could meet Oshea who was housed at the Minnesota Stillwater state prison. As a believer in God, Mary felt compelled to seek a way to forgive her son’s killer. It was a 5 year process in which she credits God for being able to reach the point where she could forgive Oshea.

When she started the quest to forgive Oshea, it seemed an impossible task. At the same time, she concedes that she had selfish motives for her attempt. She said, “Unforgiveness is like a cancer; it will eat you from the inside out. It’s not about the other person. For me to forgive him does not diminish what he’s done. Yes, he murdered my son—but the forgiveness is for me.”

When the topic of forgiveness arises, there is often fear that by extending forgiveness justice will not be served. It is an attempt to imprison the perpetrator in your unforgiveness. In reality, when one clings to hurts of the past, one keeps him or herself in prison.

This is not a subject to be treated lightly. Some faults can easily be forgiven. Other transgressions and painful events take time, patience and effort to work through. Professional counseling can help reveal underlying issues. Hard work, grace and time can restore trust and bring about healing. Healing flows from the release of anger and bitterness that are the hallmarks of unforgiveness.

Rabbi Harold Kushner recalls telling a divorcee, still angry with her ex-husband after 10 years, “Look at what you’ve been doing all these years. You’ve been standing here in Boston holding a hot coal in your hand, waiting for your ex-husband to walk by so you can throw it at him. Meanwhile, he has been living happily in New Jersey with his new family and you’ve burned your hand waiting.”

You can give yourself a gift today by dropping the hot coals burning your hand with anger and bitterness. Begin this process of forgiveness with one simple prayer. “God help me to be willing to forgive.” This small step will begin a process of releasing an emotional cancer that can easily consume your life.

The New Testament provides a good reminder for us today with these words: “Forgive as freely as the Lord has forgiven you.” (Colossians 3:13) Remember that the reason we each have the capacity to forgive is that each of us have experienced forgiveness from God himself.